Miss, Mrs... no. It's Ms van Dyke to You.

 

"Bitch, please... don't call me 'Miss'..."

I reckon that the only reason I got myself ordained as a reverend (over the internet, it has to be said - not so much legit) was purely because I got tired of people calling me 'Mrs' or 'Miss', despite me making it clear that my preferred title is Ms.

Now something like this shouldn't be an issue, and I am sure that people will say I am being petty. After all, what's in a name, right?

The most entertaining part about insisting on being called 'Ms' is the amount of times people will actually argue with me about it.

The first time I used the title was when I opened a bank account. The lady behind the counter looked at the form I filled in and asked, "You marked the box 'Ms'."

Me: "Yes, that's right"

Bank Lady: "But you also ticked the box that says 'single'"

Me, confused: "Yes... that's right."

Bank Lady: "But you only use 'Ms' if you're divorced..."

Oh boy. Poor Bank Lady. I gave her a loud and impromptu lesson in feminism. Because, you see, I use the title 'Ms' for feminist reasons. Surprise, surprise - calling yourself 'Ms' has nothing whatsoever to do with one's marital status nor sexuality. In fact, the term was in fashionable use in the 17th Century. (Seriously. It was.)

Back in the day, 'Miss' referred to those ladies who were unmarried. 'Mrs' referred to those who were. 'Ms', on the other hand, doesn't reveal one's marital status. Kind of like 'Mr'. (See where I am going with this?)

The term fell into disuse, but was later resurrected because sometimes, writers of letters wouldn't know if the woman they were writing to were married or not, so 'Ms' became a convenient solution. And of course, the feminists eagerly adopted use of the term during the women's liberation movement for obvious reasons.

To me, personally, 'Ms' means that I don't belong to a man, I belong to myself.

And still, the bank does not get it right. I keep ticking the 'Ms' box, and my statements still get sent to 'Mrs'. It's as though the whole idea of 'Ms' fries the bank's data capturer's brains and there's a short circuit that leads directly to 'Mrs'. After all, I have ticked the 'married' box too.

The Lesbians Are Coming to Steal Your Daughters!

... and other myths about The Sapphic Sisterhood.

The sad thing is that many people will read the title of this post and think, "OMG! The Gay Agenda - it's all true!" Oh dear. What have I done? Worse still, there will be others who will read through this whole post and think that yes, indeed, lesbians ARE coming to steal their daughters. Rest assured, your daughters are safe (the straight ones, anyway) and the lesbian mafia will not be descending upon you in the dead of night to deliver an impromptu castration.

Since I blundered unceremoniously from the closet, I noticed that people had some really odd ideas about gay women. Even before the aforementioned blundering, I noticed that men, particularly, had some weird ideas. For example, two buxom blondes with French manicures pawing each other in a porn flick was sexy. Two real-live normal looking lesbians, with no French manicures and sensible shoes, holding hands in public, was considered unnatural and disgusting. Odd indeed. Apparently, only lesbians who look like Barbie, engaging in lewd acts for anyone to purchase and see, is far more acceptable than two women who clearly love each other. With their clothes on.

I had  much to learn. And I did. In the process, I disovered a few myths about the sapphic ladies, the inverts of society, the ladies who love ladies... and I shall share them here with you, and perhaps bust a few of those myths in the process.

1.  "The new girl is a lesbian! Be careful - she'll be making passes at all of us in the ladies' bathroom."

Okay. First off - don't flatter yourself. Each gay woman has a 'type' or personality she finds attractive, and it's not necessarily yours. We're not circling sharks who are attracted by whatever chum is thrown into the waters. Secondly, the bathroom? Really? Not exactly romantic, now, is it?

2.  "Lesbians want to convert every straight woman they meet to being gay."

Generally, many gay women stay clear of  hook ups with straight and 'bi-curious' women. It's just not worth the hassle of falling for someone only to have them return to their man-loving ways. And let's not even speak of  the sexual identity crisis that comes with it. It's an on-again-off-again roller coaster emotional nightmare. A sane, self respecting lesbian would avoid putting herself in the situation where she has to deal seven different shades of crazy straight lady. So, no. You are straight. I am gay. It's all good. You're safe.

3.  "Lesbianism is unnatural because the women are taken away from their duties of having babies."

This argument is very frequently put forward by men who think that a Feminist is a kind of hygiene product used once a month, and they're better off not knowing exactly what it is. Feminism aside, though, is there perhaps a plan for nuns who 'unnaturally' shun men to pursue a religious life? And what of those women who cannot (for whatever reason) conceive? Um... and what about those lesbians who are raising children with their life partners? Nothing to say? Exactly.

4.  "Some women become lesbians because they haven't met the right man"

Funny thing is, that is often said by men, and I have to assume that the arrogant jerk saying this imagines that he is The Right Man. Let me put it to you delicately: Lesbians are not looking for The Right Man. They are looking for The Right Woman. That's the whole point.

5. "Lesbians are lesbians because they were sexually abused and because of that they shun men."

I don't dispute that abuse at the hands of a man would indeed turn a woman's head to the fairer sex. However, I have a couple of straight friends who have suffered such abuse and have remained straight. If there is no inclination for a woman to love another woman, she will not go there, no matter what the circumstances. Just as many of the gay women I know who have never even had a man sneeze in their direction, and they're still gay. Perhaps it's genetic, as several studies have already revealed? No? You don't think science counts? Where do you think the internet connection you're using to read this comes from?

6.  Corrective rape will cure a woman of her feelings towards other women.

Not so much, actually. If you'd like to start a dialogue with a lesbian, to understand how she is in the world, then forcing sex on her is not the way to do it. All it proves is that there are people who have no respect for women in general and lesbians, specifically. Personally, I believe that the perpetrators should be turned over to a mob of angry lesbians and watch as they themselves are mutilated and their genitalia rots and drops off. (They should do that with paedophiles too.)

7.  Lesbians want to destroy the family

Why? I have not received the memo. I am in the dark here. Last time I looked, straight people create their own family and relationship problems. Why blame someone you've never met before for the problems you're having? Because it's easier, of course.





If you have any other myths to add, please leave your comments.. I'd be happy to read them.